the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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