i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
