I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
