My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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