We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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