We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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