I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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