Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
