His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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