"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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