Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
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I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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