you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
