Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
