dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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