I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
