Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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