Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
