This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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