I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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