She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
