whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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