If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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