Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
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