When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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