it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.