DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
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Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!