why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch