And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
