someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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