His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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