you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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