i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
