I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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