.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
