If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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