I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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