I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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