this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
