is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
