dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
