While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
