tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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