I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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