if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
