Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
