im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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