And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
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She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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