i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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