rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs