return my video game
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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