My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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