I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
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I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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